roli’s

Killing time in a not so warm place…

It was summer. It was only last summer, very ordinary for some, a time for vacation and contemplation. But for me, it was my 6^th academic summer. Along with the scorching heat of the summer sun, my patience and desire for the completion of my thesis were being consumed and burned out. Two years ago, I was already a graduating student along with my batch mates in UP. And now, while some of them may have already their own cars or fat bank accounts, or some already in their sophomore year in law school or med, here I am in my room, smoking my nth cigarette, still killing time in a not so warm place. So what happened? In every moment of solitude and silence, I try to reckon and justify my so-called social and academic procrastinations and its repercussions. Officially, I’m a bum so I have a lot of time for these “moments”.  (Its one of the benefits you know). I tried to figure it out and here are some of the reasons some of you may agree and some may not.

:

1. The Family and Financial Kadramahan- indeed this one is a super cliché, but still true and prevalent in our society. I, for one, came from the type of family which is a favorite source of story line of ate shawie’s and ate V’s movies. Given the family and financial constraints, I have to support myself and my schooling. It would have been easy for me if I opted to follow my nanay’s advice to stay and study at our province. But I insisted to study in the premiere state University. This is life, you always have to make choices anyway. And you pay for it.

2. “ Si Lorna ba o si Aida o si Fe Kadramahan” – I’ll tell you, women are really powerful creatures. They can either make or break us men. I just wonder why sometimes they struck like tragedies, they come in three’s. Yup, not 1, not 2 but in 3’s( si Lorna ba o si aida o si Fe? situation) Always be careful, for some women may be a source of inspiration or better yet, a reason for a meaningful existence, but some you may stumble upon can be only bittersweet distractions or worst, weapons of (mass) destruction. Be careful, you can never tell.

3. “Peer-a Peer-asong pangarap kadramahan”- Don Vito once said “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer”. But for us younglings who do not belong to the mafia world, it would be better if we will live by this line “Keep your friends close, your dreams much closer”. As we gulp our favorite beer, take pleasure in every smoke of our cigarettes with our peers, savor the saliva-exchanges called kisses and the orgasms (you must not miss this part), we achieve certain happiness in some point. But as time passes by, make sure your friends and  friends-with-benefits are not morphing into obstacles in your path to fulfillment of your dreams. Just like the wind, people will just come and go and our friends are no exception. We will meet new friends and lose some from time to time. For our lofty dreams, time will always be of the essence. Our clock of ambitions never stops ticking; always make it a point to be on time. To be late is to regret and remember this; regrets are just a waste of time.

There’s still a lot more of kadramahan which I can think of but I’ll stop with these three major ones. In any case, kadramahans differ from one bum to another. The only thing that is common among the kadramahan ek-ek is that all of these are just lousy excuses. If you just think of it a little deeper, you realize these kadramahan are not really beyond our control. But we choose to think of these kadramahans as such for they offer us an excuse and escape to put the blame where it is due, to ourselves.

Now, it’s raining. It’s only another rainy season, very ordinary for some, a time to confront the rain and to master their anti-flood tactics. But for me, its now time to muster the courage and rekindle the fire in me to finish the things long left undone. No more kadramahan, no more excuses. This is a life of you versus you alone. It’s now time to move on before the coldness of the rain finally extinguishes the last flicker of hope in me and before inutility totally rusts the best of me. I know I’m already late but I don’t want to be too late

peors/14-06-05

hmmmm.. this was written a year ago.  and as far as i can remember, it was written during those times when i was so busy drowning myself in my pool of accumulated insecurities. hmm. siguro nga. and after a year, it is probably very ideal to make an assessment from within  of what have occurred during that span of 360+ days and try to see if  all these kadaramahans still linger in bogart’s other self..

and frankly speaking my friends, nothing has changed.

im just about to start my thesis (again?) and im still about to smoke my nth cigarette..

but now, i dont give a damn to all those kadramahahans anymore. i’d rather play ultimate.. and much more, (this i am certain) i’d rather be with her..aun lang.

"what’s the use of doing great things if i could have a better time telling her what i was going to do?.." - the great Gatsby

- "oi,musta?c",),mis na kita ah…sensya na kung nakaabala….

- " oi, roliboy, musta?mis na rin kita…oi, ikakasal na pala ako,imbitado ka,  punta ka ha…"

pucha,nung dumating sa puntong eto, nabat empty ako bigla, naubusan ng load, lahat na….di ko lang alam pero ganun nga lang talaga…so, reply na lang, nagkasubuan na eh..akalain mo nga naman, ang hirap ipunin ung lakas ng loob para itex ka lang ule tapos good news agad, di mo man lang kinutsara..lupet…

-"nyahahaha, tunay ba yan?sino naloko mo?"

-"sira,tru lab to…basta balitaan kita ha,,punta ka"

- "sige, bahala na, basta inform mo ko" (sa ibang salita: neknek mo, bat ako pupunta? makikita kita na mganda sa gown mo tapos di naman ako ung groom, wag na lang oi…)

- " pero la biro, tunay na yan?" (sabi nga nila laging may pag-asa, baka sakali kaya pa,kung sabagay ung lupa nga daw na me titutlo na, naagaw,  ung mga kontinente napapghiwaly, ung mga lola ng iba nasusulot pa,

- "tunay nga to, rockstar nga eh…"

-"ah ok yan. kung happy ka ,happy na rin ako for you"

eh, pucha, rockstar pala ha….naku, naku….

-"eh, ikaw, musta?sino babae mo ngaun?

- " eto, manyak pa rin, kaso sa ngaun tigang eh,.. ala eh"

- " naku, magbago ka na kasi, mghanap ka na rin ng seseryosohin.tumatanda ka na rin oi.."

- "opo ate" (pucha, di ba pwedeng tau na lang, nagseseryoso nako eh…)

- "oi, pasok na ko, sige, tex tex na lang"

-"sige ingat.."

-:-)

- "atsaka nga pala, di ko pa yata nasabi,ikaw pa rin gusto ko" -check op….

palalim at palalim…nais man nating kilalalin ang ating sarili, marami pa ring mga puwang ang mananatili.

pero sige, subukan lang nating silipin..

nais kong maglakbay, lalo sa karagatan at mga paraisong isla, kasabay nito ang kamangmangan ko sa paglangoy..

nararamdaman ko na ako ay kapiling ng inang lupa at mga kapatid na bundok at nagiging kaisa tuwing nasa tuyatog ng mga ito.sa mundong payapa..kapiling at kayakap ang masamyong hangin, kaniig sa gabi ang buwan at mga bituin.kasabay nito ang katotohanan na ako ay nabibilang na sa syudad, lalo sa kamunduhan ng syudad. sa mundong balisa,kayakap at kapiling ang agam agam, ang paghihintay at pangamba,

ninais kong maging mangmang, pipi at bulag, manatiling uminog sa panahon lamang ng kamusmusan,kasabay ng pangarap na malaman at marating ang antas ng pagiisip na nakakataas kaysa sa nakakarami, marinig ang tinig ng hangin at bulong ng aking mahal, at makita, matanaw ang ang mga bagaybagay na magpapatunay na may diyos na matagal ko nang di pinaniwalaan.

nabubuhay ako sa isang mataas na idealismo at sangkatutuak na aporismo, at sa bawat sandali, alam kong sumusuway ako sa mga ito.

di rin ako naniniwala sa tinatawag na "kabiyak", ngunit sa bawat segundohanga ko at alam ko na matatagpuan ko rin  sya.

mabilis akong tumakbo at maglakad, malamang dahil nga sa hilig ko sa paglalakbay.pero sa katotohanan lamang lagi akong huli., at saan man ako mapadpad, alam ko at tiyak ko, babalik at babalik din lang ako sa pinto ng bahay ni nanay kong pinakamamahal.

Madali din akong mainip, magsawa sa mga bagay bagay na malamang  sa kasalukuyan o noong mga panahong iyon, lubos kong  kinagiliwan at malamang pa nga kinabaliwan ko. At di ko namamamalayan, malamang, na ang nagagaganap ay walang katapusang mga simula at kakaunti  lamang ang nassiimulan kong tapusin. naiinip ako sa tila mabagal na paginog ng mundo natin habang di namamalayan, maliban na lang  kung lasing na o asa mga sandali nang pansariling pagmumuni, ang mabilis na paglipas ng panahon

sa suma total, ako ay katulad din ni eisa na kabilang sa mga nilalang na naglalakad na kontradiksyon.

di ko to pinangarap pero tila mas ginugusto ko na.

After some years in pursuance of some idiotic principles and of defiance of the much stupid social norms, finally Bogart has decided to drop some of the isms that has been crawling on his nerves since the start of the time of his nonconformity. Unknowingly for him, he’s been weeding out some of the aphorisms he used to live by since the last demo he had attended. For whatever reasons of his own, disillusionment have dawned to him, confusing him as he tries to exist on that thin line between idealism and pragmatism..

.

Killing time in a not so warm place.*

It was summer. It was only last summer, very ordinary for some, a time for vacation and contemplation. But for me, it was my 6^th academic summer. Along with the scorching heat of the summer sun, my patience and desire for the completion of my thesis were being consumed and burned out. Two years ago, I was already a graduating student along with my batch mates in UP. And now, while some of them may have already their own cars or fat bank accounts, or some already in their sophomore year in law school or med, here I am in my room, smoking my nth cigarette, still killing time in a not so warm place. So what happened? In every moment of solitude and silence, I try to reckon and justify my so-called social and academic procrastinations and its repercussions. Officially, I’m a bum so I have a lot of time for these “moments”.  (Its one of the benefits you know). I tried to figure it out and here are some of the reasons some of you may agree and some may not.

:

1. The Family and Financial Kadramahan- indeed this one is a super cliché, but still true and prevalent in our society. I, for one, came from the type of family which is a favorite source of story line of ate shawie’s and ate V’s movies. Given the family and financial constraints, I have to support myself and my schooling. It would have been easy for me if I opted to follow my nanay’s advice to stay and study at our province. But I insisted to study in the premiere state University. This is life, you always have to make choices anyway. And you pay for it.

2. “ Si Lorna ba o si Aida o si Fe Kadramahan” – I’ll tell you, women are really powerful creatures. They can either make or break us men. I just wonder why sometimes they struck like tragedies, they come in three’s. Yup, not 1, not 2 but in 3’s( si Lorna ba o si aida o si Fe? situation) Always be careful, for some women may be a source of inspiration or better yet, a reason for a meaningful existence, but some you may stumble upon can be only bittersweet distractions or worst, weapons of (mass) destruction. Be careful, you can never tell.

3. “Peer-a Peer-asong pangarap kadramahan”- Don Vito once said “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer”. But for us younglings who do not belong to the mafia world, it would be better if we will live by this line “Keep your friends close, your dreams much closer”. As we gulp our favorite beer, take pleasure in every smoke of our cigarettes with our peers, savor the saliva-exchanges called kisses and the orgasms (you must not miss this part), we achieve certain happiness in some point. But as time passes by, make sure your friends and  friends-with-benefits are not morphing into obstacles in your path to fulfillment of your dreams. Just like the wind, people will just come and go and our friends are no exception. We will meet new friends and lose some from time to time. For our lofty dreams, time will always be of the essence. Our clock of ambitions never stops ticking; always make it a point to be on time. To be late is to regret and remember this; regrets are just a waste of time.

There’s still a lot more of kadramahan which I can think of but I’ll stop with these three major ones. In any case, kadramahans differ from one bum to another. The only thing that is common among the kadramahan ek-ek is that all of these are just lousy excuses. If you just think of it a little deeper, you realize these kadramahan are not really beyond our control. But we choose to think of these kadramahans as such for they offer us an excuse and escape to put the blame where it is due, to ourselves.

Now, it’s raining. It’s only another rainy season, very ordinary for some, a time to confront the rain and to master their anti-flood tactics. But for me, its now time to muster the courage and rekindle the fire in me to finish the things long left undone. No more kadramahan, no more excuses. This is a life of you versus you alone. It’s now time to move on before the coldness of the rain finally extinguishes the last flicker of hope in me and before inutility totally rusts the best of me. I know I’m already late but I don’t want to be too late

peors/14-06-05

*from Jose Dalisay “killing time in a warm place”

Killing time in a not so warm place.*

It was summer. It was only last summer, very ordinary for some, a time for vacation and contemplation. But for me, it was my 6^th academic summer. Along with the scorching heat of the summer sun, my patience and desire for the completion of my thesis were being consumed and burned out. Two years ago, I was already a graduating student along with my batch mates in UP. And now, while some of them may have already their own cars or fat bank accounts, or some already in their sophomore year in law school or med, here I am in my room, smoking my nth cigarette, still killing time in a not so warm place. So what happened? In every moment of solitude and silence, I try to reckon and justify my so-called social and academic procrastinations and its repercussions. Officially, I’m a bum so I have a lot of time for these “moments”.  (Its one of the benefits you know). I tried to figure it out and here are some of the reasons some of you may agree and some may not.

:

1. The Family and Financial Kadramahan- indeed this one is a super cliché, but still true and prevalent in our society. I, for one, came from the type of family which is a favorite source of story line of ate shawie’s and ate V’s movies. Given the family and financial constraints, I have to support myself and my schooling. It would have been easy for me if I opted to follow my nanay’s advice to stay and study at our province. But I insisted to study in the premiere state University. This is life, you always have to make choices anyway. And you pay for it.

2. “ Si Lorna ba o si Aida o si Fe Kadramahan” – I’ll tell you, women are really powerful creatures. They can either make or break us men. I just wonder why sometimes they struck like tragedies, they come in three’s. Yup, not 1, not 2 but in 3’s( si Lorna ba o si aida o si Fe? situation) Always be careful, for some women may be a source of inspiration or better yet, a reason for a meaningful existence, but some you may stumble upon can be only bittersweet distractions or worst, weapons of (mass) destruction. Be careful, you can never tell.

3. “Peer-a Peer-asong pangarap kadramahan”- Don Vito once said “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer”. But for us younglings who do not belong to the mafia world, it would be better if we will live by this line “Keep your friends close, your dreams much closer”. As we gulp our favorite beer, take pleasure in every smoke of our cigarettes with our peers, savor the saliva-exchanges called kisses and the orgasms (you must not miss this part), we achieve certain happiness in some point. But as time passes by, make sure your friends and  friends-with-benefits are not morphing into obstacles in your path to fulfillment of your dreams. Just like the wind, people will just come and go and our friends are no exception. We will meet new friends and lose some from time to time. For our lofty dreams, time will always be of the essence. Our clock of ambitions never stops ticking; always make it a point to be on time. To be late is to regret and remember this; regrets are just a waste of time.

There’s still a lot more of kadramahan which I can think of but I’ll stop with these three major ones. In any case, kadramahans differ from one bum to another. The only thing that is common among the kadramahan ek-ek is that all of these are just lousy excuses. If you just think of it a little deeper, you realize these kadramahan are not really beyond our control. But we choose to think of these kadramahans as such for they offer us an excuse and escape to put the blame where it is due, to ourselves.

Now, it’s raining. It’s only another rainy season, very ordinary for some, a time to confront the rain and to master their anti-flood tactics. But for me, its now time to muster the courage and rekindle the fire in me to finish the things long left undone. No more kadramahan, no more excuses. This is a life of you versus you alone. It’s now time to move on before the coldness of the rain finally extinguishes the last flicker of hope in me and before inutility totally rusts the best of me. I know I’m already late but I don’t want to be too late

peors/14-06-05

*from Jose Dalisay “killing time in a warm place”